I’m not extremely overweight. I’m definitely not underweight. My BMI points to everything being average and normal, whatever that really means.
I’ve talked before about working out and being more active and losing weight. Here’s the thing: I absolutely want to be more active and healthy, but I’m starting to care less and less about weight.
At one point, at 5'10", I was 118 pounds. That's not a weight that looks good on my frame. It might look great on yours, and that's awesome. On me, it looks like a problem. And even then, at a size 2, it wasn't skinny enough for me. I still saw my thighs as too big, and thought my stomach could still be flatter (somehow).
Every ounce of myself now, I have earned. Some of my fat comes from dinners cooked by my chef boyfriend with a delicious glass (or two) wine. A little fat comes from saying yes to fresh bread. Some of it comes from having cocktails with friends, and some of it shows the nights I spend watching movies in bed with B eating home-popped corn. Some of my muscle comes from dancing all night, and some of it comes from carrying DJ gear.
Right now, I’m not skinny.
But I like the way my bras feel, and I like that my legs can charge forward on an elliptical like nobody’s business. I love the curve of my hips and that my arms are strong enough to lift my PA speakers onto their stands. If I want the ice cream, I eat the damn ice cream. I like cheese on my salad. I love that I can do 50 crunches no problem. I have a little tummy pooch, and one day, it will carry children who will become citizens of our world.
While I will keep striving to be more active, I don’t want to lose weight. I’m tired of feeling like I should want to lose weight, when I really don’t. My body is capable of really awesome things, and my mind is capable of infinitely more.
I realized all of this recently, and I'm slowly making changes in how I look at myself. It's almost swimsuit season, and instead of finding one to fit into, I just... found one that fits me. As I am. No calorie counting, no watching the numbers of the scale obsessively.
I now look at how a dress fits me, rather than look at the label. Is it an 8? Cool! Is it a 14? Cool! Do I like it and feel good in it? That's what matters.
A six pack and protruding ribs is perfectly fine if that’s what you want, but it’s just not what is most important to me. Are you naturally skinny? You're perfect and beautiful too.
Experience and joy are far more valuable to me than being something I'm not.