Seasons

This is pretty much just an expansion on my previous post.

As I previously mentioned, I left my place of employment the last year and a half.

And it has done wonders for my mental health.

Now, I realize that this isn’t possible for everyone, most people, or even for myself. I mean, it’s a struggle. It’s not something that wouldn’t have been on my radar if my husband hadn’t told me one day, after a one of my worst days, that I had to leave, and I had to do it now, because I was so miserable.

I want to be completely honest here. When I say miserable, this is what I was working with…

My alopecia became infinitely worse than it ever had been. Large bald patches right on top of my head. For me, and it’s not the same for everyone with this autoimmune disorder, stress affects my hair loss just as much, and probably more so, than my diet does. My anxiety was worse than it had been in quite a few years. Having-to-throw-up-in-the-bathroom-at-work-four-times kind of anxiety. At one point, I almost checked myself into an emergency room because my depression made me so physically ill and I was in really dark place- like, in the middle of the woods on a New Moon.

As I said before, maybe sometime I’ll talk about why it was as hard as it was, but I still really don’t want to. I will say this: it had nothing to with the staff or my bosses. I loved them, and still do.

Leaving really set me free in a way I didn’t think it would. I am so grateful to my husband for encouraging me to depart from that situation.

Since then, I’ve lost weight, my hair is growing back, and while I still have some down days (hey y’all, that’s just living with depression) I feel much healthier than I have in a long time.

One incredible ‘side-effect’ of making this change was my spike in creativity. When I was no longer drained mentally and physically every day, there was so much room in my brain for other things! I’ve been dyeing fabrics, getting more comfortable with my spirituality, cooking, drawing, and writing. I’ve written no less than 15 new pieces in the last month, and look forward to working on them every time I sit down at my computer. I’ve been submitting to journals, and despite being rejected from all of them so far, I’m proud and impressed with myself that I’ve just been going for it. Really just, all in. No half-assing.

As you know if you read my last post, soon I’ll be starting a project (or maybe a series of projects??) with my friend Jamie Finch. It’s something I’ve desired to pursue for awhile. I’ve always talked about my ideas, written ideas down, and kept thinking “someday, when I’m worthy, when some great spirit moves me, I’ll do this.” Well, I was always worthy, the great spirit was always trying to move me, I just didn’t invest in myself in the right ways, and I had my feet firmly planted in mud. The excitement I feel for just going for it is unlike anything I’ve ever felt.

And even if all of the endeavors turn up shit, I’ll no longer be thinking of ‘someday’ or ‘I wish I would have’ or ‘what if’. I’ll know, and I’ll keep working on it, because I know I can and why shouldn’t I?

I have limited resources, but I’m typically at my most creative when I’m scraping something together.

All of this to say, take care of yourself. Go for it, whatever it is for you. If you are miserable, make a change. I know just quitting your job isn’t a possibility without immense support, but make whatever change you can. I’m not totally out of the woods yet, as I’ve said before. I still have some really bad days. I’m not an expert. I have no proof yet of what happens when you make the change. I only know that it’s scary, and it’s hard, and it’s so exciting. I’m just beginning this whole new thing. And you know, maybe this is my Saturn return talking. Maybe this is a pre-midlife crisis. I don’t know. I don’t have any answers yet. But I do know that I’m finally asking the right questions.

And now, I’ll take some of these questions, and meditate on them. I’ll sit down with my tarot cards, and journal what they say. My idea with journaling my experiences with them is that I can look back and see growth. I will be able to see where I took right turns and wrong ones, and if there are more wrong ones than right, I’ll be able to figure out a way to set myself right again.

This entire new season is for creativity and listening to my intuition instead of just hearing it.

What are you doing to come back to yourself? Are you already there? Or do you feel you need to begin?